Have you ever seen The Talented Mr. Ripley? If not, here is a brief summary.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT FOR A FILM OVER 20 YEARS OLD.
The film is about a man named Tom Ripley who befriends a number of American socialites after assuming the identity of a Princeton alum who people say went to school with. Dickie, one of the socialites in question. Once he indulges in D.Ickie, he becomes addicted to the lifestyle that Ripley’s new friends live; chic and extravagant luxury lives. He wants to be like them, even though he knows deep down that he can never really be one of them.
Ripley’s obsession grows to the point where he starts wearing Dickie’s clothes and acting like him when he’s not around. This, naturally, confuses Dickie to the point where he wants to cut ties with Ripley, and Ripley can’t have that, no sir. So while on a ride on a small boat, Ripley kills Dickie with an oar, allowing him to continue impersonating Dickie to the world.
Things spiral out of control as people eventually learn who Ripley really is (not Dickie) and have to keep killing people who understand his true identity, whom he hates more than life itself, until he is forced to move on from “his” worldly friends so he can be who he really wants to be: someone else.
What does all this have to do with baby eating sister [Kitten]ers? A lot, in fact. Starting in 2022, NFL teams will be allowed to wear helmets with alternate colors to match their alternate, classic or colored jerseys. As a result, Amy Adams-Strunk, daughter of the Great Satan himself, began lobbying to allow her crumbling football team to start wearing the old Houston Oilers helmet as part of “their” alternate uniform. from 2023.
As many of you know, the Houston Oilers ceased to exist in 1996 when the great Satan Bud Adams dislodged the team from its rightful place and planted it in the salty land of Tennessee because he had a tantrum. So the only reasonable excuse for the Tennessee football team to want to pretend to be the Oilers, even for one game a year, is that they have a deep and unshakable collective shame in representing the state of Tennessee, which is perfectly understandable. Personally, if I lived in Tennessee, I would spend every moment wishing I was someone else too.
But when you don’t have a real, meaningful story to speak of, other than an illegal, uncalled-for fullback, and you’re one yard short to tie a Super Bowl against one of the biggest offenses in the history of football, you make do with what you have; and what they have is Houston history.
Is all this to say that Amy Adams-Strunk murdered Bob McNair with an oar and threw him overboard in a convoluted plan so her team could pretend to be a team with a long history with roots who remain in Houston to this day? I’m not saying that. But neither am I do not say that.
What I will be to say, however, is that if the Tennessee football team pretends to be a Houston team, then it should be the right of the Texans to pretend to be the University of Tennessee football team. Turnover is fair play, after all. And despite the efforts of the Tennessee football team, the only football team that the people of Tennessee care about is the University of Tennessee team. So if they claim to be Houston’s team in one of their games against the Texans in 2023, and I challenge them to do so, it should only be fair for the Texans to step out onto the field in wearing that nightmarish orange that can blur film from 50 yards away.
Will it make them better? No, they’ll still be bad, but that would only drive the Tennesseans crazier because the Texans will do a better job of emulating the Volunteers than the fake Oilers would pretend to be the old Oiler teams. And that would almost be better than winning. Almost.